The Blogger Who Spam-“Liked” Me

Inspired by “On a Different Type of Spam” by Herman Kok (kokkieh).

[8:03 AM]

Look! I have just posted a photo on my blog, of Lord Chubbington dancing on a string. Isn’t he adorable?

lord-chubbington

OK, it’s time to engage in some meaningful blog marketing and get people—a lot of people—to see Lord Chubbington. You see, the best way to do this is on the WordPress Reader, which is perhaps the most ingenious invention in the history of blogging, like, ever. I simply have to type the topic—“humor,” in my case, but feel free to type anything you feel like “reading”—in the search box, hit enter, and voìla!

See that “Like” button underneath every post? That’s my secret weapon. Although, if you’re reading this, I guess it’s no secret anymore.

First post. Click. Second post. Click. Third post. Click. Clickety-click-click.

Phew. Fifty-seven posts “Liked” in a minute. That’s got to be a personal best or something. Wait, what’s this? On a Different Type of Spam”? Sheesh. Why do these bloggers keep whining about spam? Let’s see what this particular whiner has to say.

Click.

“Spam-liking”? Really? They have a label for that now? Basically, they label me as a spammer? Oh. My. God. What has the world come to? Ah, see, there’s a poll, too! What do you think is an appropriate punishment for spammers? Let’s view the results.

GO ALL CHUCK NORRIS ON THEIR ASSES.

What the— LOL. As if that is going to happen. Who the heck does this guy think he is? Kokkieh— what kind of name is that, anyway? Is it African or something? I don’t care what you think, biatch. My blog is awesomesauce and I can get the “Likes” you get in a month, in a matter of minutes. Minutes! And need I remind you, I have been Freshly Pressed? Have you? Ha!

OK, let’s go back to clicking. Oh, wait. I forgot to “Like” this post.

Click.

[9:27 AM]

Man, clicking on hundreds of stars each day sure is exhausting. Let’s take a break. Why don’t I make some tea, and let Lord Chubbington play with the mouse a little bit.

“Come here, Lord Chubbington. Come here. Chubby chubby. Chubby chubby. Chubby chubby chubby Chubbington.”

Meow.

“There you are. Do you wanna help mommy?”

Meow.

“Good boy. Now sit over here, and click on that roundish white thingy— There you go! Now scroll a bit, scroll a bit— And— Click! Good job!”

Lord Chubbington is so smart, isn’t he? I am, too, because I was the one who trained him to “Like” all these posts for me. Brilliant, right? You see, this way, I so totally have plausible deniability.

Now, for that tea.

[10:12 AM]

I don’t know why these people hate me! Sniff sniff. I’m not doing anything wrong! All I want to do is to share my beautiful blog with the wonderful photos of the adorable, irreplaceable Lord Chubbington, and to brighten up their day! Sniff sniff. Why do you hate me, Kokki— Kokka— What’s-his-name! And all those people who voted to go all Chuck Norris on me!

Did I not “Like” your posts? Did I not “Like” everybody’s posts? Did I not— Isn’t that a noble thing to do? The way I see it, I’m actively encouraging up-and-coming bloggers everywhere by making them think that I think that their post is ah-mazing. More “Likes” means more posts means more social interaction means a more fabulous WordPress community!

And at the same time I can drive loads of visitors to my blog to see the cute, chubby Lord Chubbington. That way, they’ll go “aww” and be less likely to hurt anyone or to become an extremist-terrorist. See? I’m actively contributing towards world peace! Win-win.

Meow.

“What is it, honey? Oh— Are you done?”

Meow.

“Look at that! Good job! Thank you, Lord Chubbington. Here’s some milk.”

[4:16 PM]

Wow. “Lord Chubbington on a string” has 1,176 views, 366 “Likes,” and 134 comments! Oh, how they love me!

Someone’s banging on the door.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Chuck Norris. Open up!”

Oh, crap.


MORAL OF THE STORY: I’ll let Neil Gaiman do the talking (also watch his incredibly inspiring speech on making “good art,” brought to you by Sara Beth, a.k.a. whiteravensoars—definitely worth it!):

neil-gaiman-spam

DISCLAIMER: All characters in this publication—including the cat—are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, and their mannerisms, is purely coincidental, although in some cases perhaps not entirely unintentional. If you use “spam-liking” as a means of shameless and shameful self-promotion, however, feel free to think that this is about you. (Lord Chubbington is based on Brittany’s pet cat in Glee, Lord Tubbington.)

ON A SERIOUS NOTE: As some of you know, I’m doing a casual research on “spam-liking.” I will publish my findings on a later date, so please stay tuned!


Top image by Stefan Tell. Some rights reserved.

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “The Blogger Who Spam-“Liked” Me

  1. …right, just need to “like” this, then…

    …uhhh…*ahem*.

    I noticed this type of “marketing” some time back. I also noticed that most people who do it are promoting “get rich via blogging” schemes and other such rubbish; they’re usually pretty easy to spot. I can’t help but wonder how many of these people make even a fraction of the money they claim to make.

    The cat IS adorable, though. He yours?

      • Haha I know. There are blogs who give tips on blogging and sell books, but they never give away their greatest, most secret method of blog marketing: the one listed in the story.

        No, the cat I stole from Flickr (under a Creative Commons license, mind you). Feel free to flick—uh, click—on the image to see it in all its glory. 🙂

  2. The origin of “Spam-liking” predates the Internet. In elementary school Valentine’s Day celebrations everywhere, countless children have been literally forced to put cards in all their classmates’ boxes with pre-printed messages like “Be Mine,” and “You’re special,” on them. Sickening!

    Thanks for the post.

  3. I would much rather have one good comment than 20 “likes”. My goal is to have some real interactions, not a bunch of +1’s. And there are some awesome people who stop by and share their thoughts on my daily posts, which couldn’t make me happier. 😀

  4. Yay! I can comment (and I hit like). For a while I couldn’t, because for some reason the button with the cloud was blocking the way and I couldn’t disable it. I noticed that it has moved to the left. Whew!!

  5. Pingback: Blog shout-out: sairyou.me | The parasite guy

  6. How did I miss this post? Very funny. I discovered the “like” spammers the first time I published a long post and it was “liked” instantaneously. You can usually discern the genuine likes from spam. You will probably never get a single comment from a “like” spammer since they are not inerested in creating an authentic connection with you. Going to hit the “like” button now 🙂

  7. Pingback: On Spam – A History « if all else fails...use a hammer

  8. Pingback: On a year of blogging | if all else fails…use a hammer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s